JWhiting.com

A comedian buddy of mine recently launched a monthly themed storytelling event at Le Cagibi.

The inaugural storytelling theme was “the law” and I got on board both because I’ve been I’ve been buried for a long time in solitary writing and because the topic hit a nerve. The extent to which modern conservative governments are flagrantly breaking the law really upsets me.

I originally wanted to do a bunch of short stories about the scandals that are linked to up above, but time got the better of me. I only managed to bang out one before the June 26th reading.

The event was, I think, a big success. There was some comedy, some drama and some dramedy.

I thought it’d be fun to post up the story that I read that night along with a song that I think works well with the theme.

Hope you like it…

Six Four Two One Short Stories About The Law

Once upon a time a young woman fell in love. The woman’s name was America and she was smart and beautiful and practically virginal. She graduated near the top of her high school class and went away to college to study biology.

America had an easy lyrical laugh and a sprinkling of adorable freckles. Her hair was long and healthy and as golden as the sun-drenched wheat belt that stretched from Siskiyou County in the north all the way to Imperial County in the south in her home state of California.

On the first day of her undergraduate Molecular Embryology class, America met a young man named Vigor. Vigor was smart and strong and practically virginal. Vigor was a high school track-and-field champ and had gone away to college to study agriculture. Vigor was tall and broad shouldered. He had kind eyes. His hair was thick and neat and as dark as the seam of ebony marble that wound through the Cascade Mountain Range in his home state of California.

Vigor and America became lab partners, then study partners, then tennis partners. Eventually Vigor asked America if she would become his life partner as well.

Despite the fact that America and Vigor were raised in large tight-knit families, they were determined that their wedding would not be a slavish imitation of ancestral traditions. The ceremony would, above all else, be a true reflection of their green and matchless love. So even though America had been raised Roman Catholic and although Vigor had grown up Southern Baptist, in the spirit of ecumenical harmony the young couple decided that their marriage would take place on the neutral ground of the Kern County Courthouse in Bakersfield, California.

America and Vigor had arranged for their solemnizing ceremony to take place on Friday the 27th of June 2008. It would be the perfect day for a summer wedding, they thought. The spring planting and first cycle of weeding would be long-completed and school would be out for the tow-headed army of nieces and nephews who’d be pouring in from all over the state. If Vigor’s well-thumbed almanac was right, they would exchange their vows on a warm and cloudless day with temperatures dropping low enough in the evening to allow for the use of fashionable wraps and dinner jackets.

When there were only two weeks remaining before the big day, America allowed herself to enjoy a brief moment of self-congratulatory calm. She’d inherited her meticulous nature from her mother and had dutifully dug to the bottom of a highly detailed to do list. There was only one last item to attend to.

America popped open her laptop and surfed over to the Kern County Courthouse Web site. A few additional out of town guests had asked to attend the ceremony and she wanted to make sure that they wouldn’t tip the scales on the wedding hall’s fire regulations.

America was floored by what she found online.

The note was written on the Kern County Clerk’s Web page under the heading, “Marriage Licenses”. America read through it several times until tears of frustration and anger welled up in the corners of her clear blue eyes.

The note said:

The County Clerk’s office will not solemnize weddings after June 13, 2008. We will not have the staff or space to deal with an increase in both licenses and ceremonies. Because of long-term administrative plans, budgetary reasons, and the need to increase security for elections, the Clerk’s office will cease solemnizing weddings, which is discretionary on the part of the County Clerk. As done in other counties, information necessary to solemnize marriages will be made available to those acquiring licenses.

America was shocked. How could this be possible? She’d planned for every contingency. The tents were ordered, the caterers were booked. The Byzantine seating arrangement had been hammered down for over a month. And now, suddenly, the county clerk wouldn’t be performing marriages anymore?

The young woman turned her attention back to the Internet, conducted a flurry of probing research and then picked up the phone. She dialed the Kern County Clerk, a woman named Ann Barnett.

“Hello Ann,” America said as cheerfully as she could manage, “It’s America.”

America listened patiently as the older woman spoke.

“Yes, I see,” America said, “And that’s exactly what’s up on the Web site, but I have a few questions. I mean you say that you don’t have the staff or space to deal with the ceremonies but…”

She took a deep breath and charged ahead.

“I did some research and learned that you and your predecessors typically perform over 40% of Kern County marriages. And I know for a fact that the Kern County Courthouse has two huge rooms dedicated specifically for marriages because as you’re no doubt aware, I had one booked.

“Yes Ann, yes…”

America listened again.

“Yes, but Ann, as to the financial argument, as I’m sure you know the president of the California Association of Clerks and Election officials was recently quoted by Reuters saying that contrary to your claim, marriage ceremonies actually make money. In fact, according to the Bakersfield Califonian newspaper, Kern County civil ceremonies pull in an average of $50,000 a year. And as for staffing, those ceremonies take, on average, seven minutes to perform by staff who are paid less than $20 an hour.”

America listened to one final burst from the County Clerk. She sighed.

“To be honest Ann, the security issue seems like the weakest argument of all,” she said. “If it wasn’t a problem for the past two decades, why would it suddenly become one now?”

“Look Ann,” America said, “Let’s level with each other. Woman to woman.”

She chose an even tone and spoke clearly and calmly into the receiver.

“Ann are you sure that your decision doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that California’s Supreme Court struck down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage on May 15th in a broadly worded decision that would invalidate any law that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation that comes into effect two days from now on June 15th?

“And isn’t it true that you requested that the County Counsel file a brief with the California Supreme Court opposing implementation of the May 15th ruling allowing gay marriage and that you subsequently made the decision to shut down all marriages when that same counsel advised that it would be illegal for you to only marry couples of your own choosing?

“And don’t you find it bit too ironic, Ann, that each of the five Californian counties who have decided to stop performing any marriages in the face of this decision have all voted staunchly Republican for over 40 years? I mean I know Republicans have said that gay marriage would ruin traditional marriage but I’m not sure this is what they had–”

But she didn’t get to finish her sentence. The line went dead.

Ann Barnett had hung up on America.

(Click to play song…)

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

. . .

Here’s my little coda: if history has taught us anything it’s that people who line up against equality and love have been proven to be on the wrong side of the issue again and again and again.

As of right now, five four Republican-leaning counties in California have stopped solemnizing any marriages, gay or straight, fulfilling that age-old conservative adage, “If you can have it, no-one can.”

The counties are:

Merced County – strongly Republican (reversed its decision under intense pressure)
Claveras County – Republican since 1964
Kern County – Republican since 1964
Butte County – Republican since 1964
Kings County – Republican since 1964

You can contact the Kern County Clerk at the following co-ordinates:

Ann K. Barnett
1115 Truxtun Avenue
Bakersfield, CA 93301-4639
Regular Office Hours 8:00 AM - 5:00 PM Mon-Fri
Open To The Public 8:30 AM - 4:00 PM Mon-Fri
(661) 868-3588

Over the past week my Videotron connection has been up and down without warning. This particularly sucks because when Videotron goes out, both my home phone and my internet go down at the same time.

Here’s what happened when I tried to get in touch with Videotron’s tech support via chat this morning (notice that they have removed the timestamp from their previous chat interface).

I haven’t really spoken about it here, but I spent much of last year and the beginning of this year writing my first novel. So far the book-writing process has been both highly satisfying and deeply maddening. Luckily the highs have outnumbered the lows. And one of those highs came on Friday via the mail.

For all of its life so far the book that I’ve been writing has only existed in my head and on the computer screen. No one else (including my best buddy life-partner) has seen or read a word of it… Until now. [Cue the dramatic music.]

Late last night after piloting our new electric scooter through the mean streets of Montreal, Jeanne and I laid eyes on the first-ever printed pages of The Virus Makers.

I finished the first draft of this Young Adult novel at the end of March and my soccer-loving, boy-fathering, cousin-in-law Peter Coles kindly offered to print it up for me. Pete’s the VP of Sales and Marketing at Arcprint (and imaging) and it seemed appropriate that the book be birthed back in Vancouver where I first started writing it in the spring of 2006.

I’ll speak more about the book in, I’m sure, way too many subsequent posts, but for now I just want to fête the newly corporeal block of text that is the first draft of The Virus Makers!

I’m going to be doing some writing today for King Features’ Betty Boop franchise and, like the good writer-boy that I am, I spent some time last night researching the brand. I loved what I found.

Betty Boop started out her cartoon life as a dog-like creation of Max Fleischer (an animation legend who helped bring Popeye, Superman and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer to life).

Boop first appeared in the early 1930s sporting a decidedly 1920s style — it was all about the saucy little flapper dress, jazz beats and wry winks to sexily intoxicated good times. Eventually she was toned down (yet another black mark on the morality police) and her popularity waned.

One thing that makes Betty Boop’s earlier cartoons so great was that, unlike other movie-makers at the time, Max Fleischer wasn’t afraid to work with black musicians.

Check out the incredible1933 Betty Boop cartoon Snow White below (not to be confused with the Disney version that came out four years later: You can read Time’s 1937 review of that movie here).

Fleischer’s inspired version of Snow White features an incredible section with Koko the Clown dancing in a skeletal underworld. Koko was voiced by none other than Cab Calloway doing an amazing version of St. James Infirmary Blues…

(This film was chosen for preservation by the U.S. Library of Congress in the National Film Registry in 1994.)

Up to this point, this site has been a sort of clearinghouse for my random fascinations. It helped me get a handle on blogging, RSS, using Wordpress etc. It allowed me to rant at Videotron. And now things are going to change a bit.

Over the next little while I’ll be modifying the look-and-feel of the site as well as its focus. The site (now simply jwhiting at jwhiting.com) will serve as my professional face-to-the world.

Although I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea, in order to advance a big-ish project that’s coming down the pipe I have to get into the business of self-promotion. Expect some more talk about my writing and what I’m up to and less about my gift wishes and what I’m laughing at. Also expect the site to look a bit wonky and going up and down before everything gets back on track.

Thanks.

Jason

Jeanne and I recently became proud owners of a 100% electric Vespa-like thrill ride fun ride called the EVT-168. And if we ever hit the big-time, we hope that the electric vehicle upgrade path leads towards the ready-for-purchase beast above.

I recently wrote about the Tesla Roadster for Lycos and I don’t think they’ll mind if I reproduce the text here where no one will ever notice it (links embedded in the text)…

Tesla Roadster

If the future of transportation looks like this, let’s hit the fast-forward button pronto.

Even though the Tesla Roadster is working through some prototype issues (like trying to find a transmission that can withstand the kick-assedness of an over-powerful engine that supplies continuous torque) the stats on this vehicle are pick-your-jaw-off-the-floor incredible:

0 to 60 mph in under 4 seconds in a 220 mile range, zero-emission, 2¢/mile thrill-ride.

It’s electronic, guilt-free automotive sexiness.

Tesla is planning to offer more modestly priced versions of their cars in the future (the Roadster retails at about $100,000) and is also going to sell fun add-ons like solar panels that can be installed on the roof of your garage that give enough juice to power you through about 50 miles per day. That’s 100% off-the-grid sweetness. George Clooney already has one, shouldn’t you?

(Don’t have the scratch for that kind of electric ride? Why not look into one of the many, ever-improving, electric motorcycles and scooters that are coming down the pipe?)

I usually hate it when Web sites go out of their way to throw up IP filters that let them to change their portal’s content depending on where you’re surfing in from. This sort of “region detection” could be used for good but most often only serves to block content (esp. video) to people visiting from other countries. (What’s even worse is when those same sites won’t serve you the video you want, but will still run the ad that preceeds it, a dirty underhanded bait-and-switch eyeball-slavery move that should be outlawed.) This blocking phenomenon especially pisses me off when the content I’m looking for (i.e. Stephen Colbert, Daily Show and today a Jimmy Kimmel clip) is legally available on the cable airwaves in this country, exactly the same as it is stateside.

There’s no reason why something that’s on the Internet in Kansas shouldn’t be available in Kingston, Khartoum or Kuala Lumpur. It’s not the ‘AmericaWeb’ or the ‘IranNet’ or the ‘ChinaTubes’. It’s the Internet. The whole point is that it should be available everywhere all the time. If you start to parse the Internet out according to any arbitrary set of rules, you rob it of its value, its very reason for being.

That said, imagine how much my ass was chapped this afternoon by this total dick move from Yahoo:

Mere minutes ago, I surf over to ‘my.yahoo.com’ where a specially placed Yahoo banner ad catches my eye. The ad is apparently promoting new skins/themes for the ‘My Yahoo’ page.

The first banner ad I saw said:

“The new backgrounds and layouts are awesome!” - S.

(Click the ad below to see the full-size image:)

Now while I’ll admit that I’m not completely satisfied with my current ‘My Yahoo’ background and layout, it generally takes more than one recommendation by a person who can’t even be bothered to include more than their first initial to convince me to click on a banner ad. I mean who does this ‘S.’ man/woman/dog think they are anyhow?

And that’s when I was hit by the follow up pitch:

“Blows the old one out of the water!” - N.

(Again, click the banner below to see the full-size image:)

I momentarily stumble over the “old one” comment. (I thought we were just talking about backgrounds and layouts… Weren’t there several, albeit mediocre, old ones?) But then I see that this is an entirely new recommendation. Holy shit. Both S. and N. have weighed in on this issue with full-bore exclamation-mark-laden enthusiasm.

What the hell, I decide. If it’s good enough for two of the most common letters in the English language, then it must be good enough for me…

Trembling with anticipatory glee, I click on the exciting yellow ‘Show Me’ button.

Here’s the full-page message that follows:

We appreciate your interest in the new My Yahoo! Beta. Unfortunately it is only open to My Yahoo! users in specific countries.

Um, then why…? But…? Really…? [Sighs, pushes back from computer. Goes to read a book.]

In the spirit of ‘Wintersolsticetime’, I thought I’d tell a quick story about cross-border shopping.

The Wire: Season 4 was just delivered to my door from Amazon.com.

Checking my Visa statement, the purchase, including shipping, cost me $36.40.

If I was to have bought this item at Amazon.ca, it looks like I would have paid, uh, $62.59!

Canadian retailers better get in line. Consumers aren’t stupid.

Happy Yule!

J.

My home phone, cable TV and high-speed Internet is enabled by a Quebec-based company called Videotron. With the bundled discounts, the whole thing usually works out to about $100/month.

When it works everything is great, but when it goes down I’m screwed. How, for instance, am I even supposed to let them know the service is down? Write them a letter?

What I ended up having to do tonight was sit outside and use my neighbour’s wireless connection to connect with a Videotron technician through a support chat. Here’s a transcript of what went down…

Connecting
Welcome VideotronSucks! Please hold while we contact a representative. If a representative does not respond in a few seconds, then he/she is not available at this time.There is/are currently 5 active support session(s) before you. You may continue to hold or leave a message.

** (18:15:43) You are now speaking with Bryan, Technical Support. **
(18:15:48)Bryan : Hi
(18:15:54)VideotronSucks : Hey.
(18:16:04)Bryan : Which service are we speaking of?
(18:16:06)VideotronSucks : Any reports of cable outages in my area.
(18:16:09)VideotronSucks : All of them.
(18:16:23)Bryan : Could you tell me what your phone number so I can access your account ?
(18:16:29)VideotronSucks : By the way, if the cable goes out, and I have bundled package, how the hell am I supposed to get in touch with you?
(18:16:38)VideotronSucks : 514-369-4477
(18:18:45)Bryan : There is currently an outage in your sector. Technician are on site since 6pm. We don’t have any ETA for when service will be back up.
(18:19:08)Bryan : You are always able to contact us by cell phone, public phone, or as you are doing right now
(18:20:29)VideotronSucks : What I’m doing right now is a huge pain in the ass.
(18:20:37)VideotronSucks : I have to leave my house to solve this problem.
(18:20:44)VideotronSucks : What is your downtime policy?
(18:21:13)VideotronSucks : I don’t have a cell phone. I don’t need one. I work from home.
(18:21:21)VideotronSucks : Except that right now I can’t work.
(18:21:30)Bryan : What do you mean by downtime policy?
(18:21:33)VideotronSucks : This is not the first time this has happened and its really pissing me off.
(18:21:53)VideotronSucks : How do you reimburse your customers for times when your network fails?
(18:22:32)Bryan : As by the service contract, if service is down for 48 hours or more, you will be eligible for a credit
(18:23:43)VideotronSucks : What’s the credit?
(18:24:34)Bryan : We credit the service you lost by the number of days you lost them
(18:24:56)Bryan : these days need to be consecutive, as stated by the service contract
(18:25:28)VideotronSucks : So it’s your policy to make customers pay for nothing?
(18:25:33)VideotronSucks : How does that make any sense?
(18:26:15)Bryan : I’m only stating the service contract, which is available on our websote or at the back of your invoices
(18:26:49)Bryan : Anything else we can do to help you?
(18:28:19)VideotronSucks : So let me re-iterate. You don’t know what the problem is, you don’t know when it will be fixed and unless this thing stretches into two whole days, I’ve just got to shut up and pay my regular bill as if this never happened?
(18:30:33)Bryan : It is not to me to know the cause, as for the time, all I know is we have technicians on site for the past 30 minutes. As for the service contract, I do not make it, I only know the terms of it
(18:31:15)VideotronSucks : But have I stated things correctly? Please answer with a yes or a no.
(18:31:25)VideotronSucks : You don’t know what the problem is, you don’t know when it will be fixed and unless this thing stretches into two whole days, I’ve just got to shut up and pay my regular bill as if this never happened?
(18:31:44)Bryan : It is not to me to know the cause, as for the time, all I know is we have technicians on site for the past 30 minutes. As for the service contract, I do not make it, I only know the terms of it
(18:31:48)Bryan : Anything else we can do to help you?
(18:32:14)VideotronSucks : Yes. You can please answer my question. Have I sumarized things correctly or not?
(18:32:23)VideotronSucks : I want to make sure that I understand this correctly.
(18:33:09)Bryan : I have answered the question
(18:33:14)Bryan : Anything else we can do to help you?
(18:33:48)VideotronSucks : I would like a yes or no response please. I think you know that the answer is ‘yes’. Why won’t you type ‘yes’.
(18:33:58)VideotronSucks : Please act like a human being and not some corporate drone.
(18:34:18)Bryan : IF you do not have any other questions, we wish you a nice evening
(18:34:28)VideotronSucks : Please don’t hang up on me.
(18:34:45)VideotronSucks : I’m asking for a very simple thing.
(18:35:01)VideotronSucks : It would make all this frustration worthwhile if you would just come out and say what’s going on here.
(18:35:27)VideotronSucks : Don’t hide behind corporate double-speak.
(18:35:36)Bryan : As I said before, I do not have any informations as to what is the cause of the outage
(18:35:51)VideotronSucks : My service is broken and I have to keep paying for it.
(18:36:04)VideotronSucks : If there’s a fire, I can’t call 911.
(18:36:08)Bryan : As for the service contract, I do not make it, I only know the terms of it
(18:36:38)VideotronSucks : I will still be charged as if I could call 911, but I can’t.
(18:36:56)VideotronSucks : Your company will not suffer any penalties because of this failure.
(18:37:30)VideotronSucks : Your company, that makes lots and lots of money every year won’t have to pay a cent to me unless I’m without my Internet, phone and TV for two days.
(18:37:42)VideotronSucks : I’m the one that will have to pay for your mistake.
(18:37:46)Bryan : As for the service contract, I do not make it, I only know the terms of it
(18:38:00)VideotronSucks : Stop with that corporate double-speak.
(18:38:06)VideotronSucks : Obviously you don’t make it.
(18:38:21)VideotronSucks : So why can’t you just type, y-e-s?
(18:38:33)VideotronSucks : You understand what’s in the service contract right?
(18:40:04)Bryan : If you wish ti speak about the service contract, and regiter that you are unhappy with its terms, you can call customer service at 1-877-380-2511
(18:40:35)VideotronSucks : I am unhappy with the terms. Obviously. But that’s not the point here.
(18:40:43)VideotronSucks : I would like you to admit what you already know.
(18:40:57)VideotronSucks : If you’re going to screw me over, at least have the decency to be honest about it.
(18:41:23)VideotronSucks : You’re telling me that I’m going to have to keep paying as if I have service, even though I don’t.
(18:41:28)VideotronSucks : Is that correct, yes or no?
(18:42:37)Bryan : If the outage last for 48 consecutive hours or more, you will be eligible for a credit.
(18:42:58)VideotronSucks : Please. Please. Do not just re-type what you’ve already been typing.
(18:43:22)VideotronSucks : I’m asking a simple question.
(18:44:33)VideotronSucks : Unless this outage lasts for more than 48 hours, I will have to pay my bill as if it never happened? Yes or no please.
(18:45:32)Bryan : that’s the service contract
(18:46:15)VideotronSucks : This is so frustrating. Can you at least tell me why you won’t type ‘yes’?
(18:48:51)VideotronSucks : Are you still there?
(18:49:06)Bryan : Do you have any other technical questions about your services?
(18:49:59)VideotronSucks : Yes. I would like to know why you refuse to act like one person talking to another person.
(18:50:10)VideotronSucks : I am obviously upset about this situation.
(18:50:16)Bryan : Do you have any other technical questions about your services?
(18:50:59)VideotronSucks : Is it correct that I will be asked to pay for this outage as if I was receiving normal service?
(18:51:11)VideotronSucks : I pay about $100/month to Videotron.
(18:51:38)VideotronSucks : That’s about $3.30/day.
(18:52:04)VideotronSucks : You’re telling me that I’m going to have to pay your company $3.30 for, uh, nothing?
(18:52:28)VideotronSucks : A phone that doesn’t work. A tv full of static and no connection to the Internet?
(18:52:36)VideotronSucks : Is that what you’re saying?
(18:52:39)Bryan : pricing questions are of an adminitratives order, and should be directed to the customer service at 1-877-380-2511
(18:52:47)VideotronSucks : This is not a pricing question.
(18:53:03)VideotronSucks : I want you to be honest with me.
(18:53:32)VideotronSucks : Just tell me I’m going to have to pay for something that’s broken.
(18:53:39)VideotronSucks : Tell me that there’s nothing I can do about it.
(18:54:03)Bryan : I already answered that question
(18:54:12)VideotronSucks : Not really.
(18:54:20)VideotronSucks : Why won’t you just type yes?
(18:55:35)VideotronSucks : Your stated policy is to make customers pay for things that are broken for less than two days. Is that correct?
(18:56:04)Bryan : I already answered that question
(18:56:47)VideotronSucks : I don’t believe it has been answered. If it has, please answer it again. It’s a yes or no question that requires a yes or no answer.
(18:59:18)VideotronSucks : Are you still there?
(19:00:09)Bryan : I am
(19:00:23)VideotronSucks : So…?
(19:01:23)Bryan : if you have question about the service contract, you need to contact customer service at 1-877-380-2511
(19:01:37)VideotronSucks : It’s not a question about the service contract.
(19:01:48)VideotronSucks : And stop giving me phone numbers.
(19:01:54)VideotronSucks : MY PHONE IS BROKEN.
(19:02:03)VideotronSucks : That’s what this whole damn thing is about.
(19:02:14)VideotronSucks : Jesus.
(19:03:17)VideotronSucks : I’ll stay online all night if I have to.
(19:03:23)VideotronSucks : Can’t go home and watch tv.
(19:03:33)VideotronSucks : Can’t call any of my friends to find out what they’re up to.
(19:03:55)VideotronSucks : Just me, sitting on the curb, using someone else’s wireless Internet connection.
(19:04:04)VideotronSucks : They obviously aren’t a Videotron customer…
(19:04:59)VideotronSucks : Alright, so any news yet on when the service will be restored?
(19:06:37)VideotronSucks : Are you doing something else right now?
(19:07:04)VideotronSucks : Why is it taking you several minutes to respond to simple questions?
(19:07:56)VideotronSucks : Are you still there?
(19:08:30)Bryan : Since you are asking questions I already answered, I am helping other customers at the same time
(19:09:26)VideotronSucks : You haven’t answered my questions at all. And like I said, if you believe you have, please just answer my simple question and I’ll go on my merry way.
(19:10:18)VideotronSucks : First of all, since we’ve been online for…almost an hour now, is there any update on this problem?
(19:10:31)Bryan : I did, I told you what the service contract states, I told you where to find this service contract, and I have answerd the question about the outage
(19:10:36)Bryan : the is no more I can do
(19:11:21)VideotronSucks : Can we deal with that later? For now I’d like to know if there are any updates on the cable outage.
(19:12:09)Bryan : no there is none
(19:12:23)VideotronSucks : How big an area is affected?
(19:12:45)Bryan : I do not have this information
(19:13:19)VideotronSucks : How do you know when I give you my phone number that there’s an outage in my area?
(19:14:30)Bryan : I am able to check in which area u are and if this area is in trouble, I do not have the information as of how many customer we have in any stated area
(19:14:47)VideotronSucks : So how big is that area?
(19:16:14)Bryan : I do not have this information
(19:16:29)VideotronSucks : What area am I in?
(19:18:03)Bryan : MO-GM0
(19:18:15)VideotronSucks : What does that mean?
(19:18:27)Bryan : its the area you are in
(19:18:55)VideotronSucks : Do you have a map that shows what that area is?
(19:19:28)Bryan : no, I don’t
(19:20:10)Bryan : like I said, Iève given you all the information I had about this outage, if you don’t have any other question we will have to terminate this chat session
(19:20:22)VideotronSucks : Please don’t terminate.
(19:20:28)VideotronSucks : I have an outstanding question.
(19:21:35)VideotronSucks : Is it your understanding of the Videotron policy that customers will have to pay for outages that last less than 48 hours?
(19:21:39)VideotronSucks : Yes or no please.
(19:22:41)Bryan : that is the service contract for residential customer
(19:22:55)VideotronSucks : Why won’t you type yes?
(19:23:00)VideotronSucks : Can you at least answer that?
(19:23:19)VideotronSucks : Please?
(19:25:32)VideotronSucks : Are you still there?
(19:25:49)Bryan : I am
(19:26:36)VideotronSucks : Can you please tell me why you won’t just type ‘yes’ to what is so obviously a ‘yes’ answer?
(19:26:57)VideotronSucks : Is it your company policy not to type ‘yes’ to questions like this?
(19:28:02)VideotronSucks : Hello?
(19:29:00)Bryan : yes, or no are answers that can lead to interpretation, it is personally that I choose to answer by giving an explanation, instead of a plain yes, or no
(19:29:53)VideotronSucks : That’s funny. You think a longer answer is more clear and less open to interpretation than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer?
(19:30:14)VideotronSucks : And that’s your own personal belief and not that of the company?
(19:31:51)Bryan : There is no rule that I know of from the company about this, but I’m a technician, therefore, I do not judge necessary for me to speak about service contract, which is of administrative relevance
(19:32:49)VideotronSucks : Sigh.
(19:33:26)VideotronSucks : This would have been so much easier if you’d just said, “Yes, that’s the policy, sorry dude, I know it sucks. I don’t like paying for broken shit either.”
(19:33:44)VideotronSucks : That would have been one human talking to another human.
(19:34:08)VideotronSucks : That would have made me feel like you cared, even a little bit.
(19:34:55)VideotronSucks : I’ve been a Videotron customer for years and it chaps my ass that when you leave me in the lurch with no phone service, no internet and no TV that you don’t seem to be even a little bit sorry about it.
(19:35:19)VideotronSucks : Not only are you not sorry, your policy is to make me continue to pay as if I was receiving my normal service.
(19:35:29)VideotronSucks : That sucks. Big time.
(19:39:22)VideotronSucks : Could you at least apologize on behalf of Videotron for the inconvenience that this outage has caused?
(19:40:45)Bryan : of course
(19:40:56)VideotronSucks : Great. Go ahead.
(19:41:05)Bryan : We apologize for the inconvenience this situation is causing you
(19:41:45)VideotronSucks : Thanks. Please call me when service has been re-established.
(19:42:09)Bryan : I can not call all the customers when service is re-establish
(19:42:27)VideotronSucks : Then just call me.
(19:42:49)Bryan : I’m sorry, that is not something we can do
(19:43:18)VideotronSucks : OK, forget it. I’m joking anyhow. Goodnight.
(19:43:32)Bryan : Thank you for using our chat technical support. Have a nice evening

Here’s the “what’s it going to sound like” demo for the new CBC radio series that Jeanne and I pitched to the network back in December.

Over the course of a few weeks, Jeanne and I worked with a variety of microphones, locations, friends and family (thanks to Massimo, DeAnne, Joanne, Graham, George and Beryl). With audio in-hand, the Jeanster and I then huddled together in the bowels of the CBC Montreal mothership with CBC producer Frank Opolko (an all around great guy and comedy radio legend who produced Radio One’s most popular comedy show ever “Madly Off in all Directions”).

The demo has been sent off to Tom Anniko, CBC’s radio ‘decider’. We should hear back by the end of April.

In the meantime, we’d really appreciate hearing what you think about the demo. You can leave your comments right here on this post.

(As always, iTunes users can subscribe to the irregularly updated SDtSU podcast by clicking here. If you don’t use iTunes, you can subscribe to the podfeed by copying this link into your podcast player.)

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I’ve isolated myself up north to get a big chunk of writing done with no distractions. It’s snowing and quiet (except for the sound of a brown dog snoring) and I’m… procrastinating.

So, really quickly, I recently became a member of the Writers Guild of Canada and I wanted to share this story that comes from them…

The History Channel in Canada is granted a broadcasting licence by the CRTC to:

… provide a national English-language specialty service consisting of historical documentaries, movies, mini-series and history programs which embrace both current events and past history, with a special emphasis on documentary and dramatic programs related to Canada’s past.

That mandate seemed to be pretty clear to the History Channel, until some eagle-eyed folks at the WGC noticed that the History Channel had begun broadcasting CSI: New York several times a week.

What does CSI: New York have to do with Canada or, you know, history you might ask? Well that’s what the WGC wondered too. They sent a letter to Atlantis Alliance (owner of the History Channel) and the CRTC asking that same question.

Turns out that Atlantis felt that CSI: New York was a historical show because it takes place in New York a historical city where 9/11 took place.

Say wha? Really? You sure that’s the best thing you could come up with? I’ve seen yoga instructors who can’t pull off that kind of a stretch.

The CRTC recently came down with a ruling and not surprisingly, they’ve asked History Television to stick to, uh, history. From their decision:

the mere fact that the drama is set in a city which was victim to a significant historical event is not a sufficient justification for broadcasting the program on a service that is mandated to be devoted to history programs.

Nice work WGC. And speaking of work, I’d better get back to it…

I have my first Just For Laughs standup show in about 18 hours and all I can think about is that my whatever my future with JFL and comedy is, it’s going to be pretty impossible to top last summer when Jeanne and I were hired to work with John Cleese.

The whole experience deserves a proper long post, but it’s late and I gotta get to bed.

Here’s how it all went down on July 22, 2006…

My long-lost buddy Dan Guterman is a staff writer at The Onion.

Awhile back Dan brewed up this article that was loosely inspired by my own experience with cellphones.

(For the record, that’s not a picture of me and although I’m not really passionately anti-cellphone, the only time I’ve ever owned one was when I was given a company phone while I was working for Airborne Entertainment.)

This is a warning to all you babies out there. I’m on to you. Oh sure you can play dumb and be all, “I only know three words: ‘Uh oh’, ‘Down’ and ‘More,’” but then you’re in my kitchen crawling onto my dog and laughing your ass off as I scramble around like an idiot trying to find the digital camera in time.

Listen up babies: I’m not your trained monkey, you big-headed diaper-wearing bitches. This is a warning.

Hey all,

Whether you and your family celebrate Saturnalia or some more faddish modern tradition, have a really good one. Let’s all meet back here afterwards and swap some delightful tales OK?

You’re the best,

J. Whiting

Jeanne was this month’s featured artist at Montreal Magazine. Check out the short piece here.

Like I said in an earlier post, I went out on Monday night to see Jeanne play some songs with her dad at the Wheel Club’s Hillbilly Night.

A friend of Jeanne’s from Toronto, Richard Ferren, is staying with us and he came along sporting a Stephane Dion pin that he picked up at the Liberal convention. (Richard is a card-carrying Liberal who was supporting Dion from the very beginning.)

When we got to the Wheel Club, Richard’s pin caught the eye of a fiery middle-aged woman who, it turns out, works in Stepane Dion’s office, which until recently was a very intimate affair (4 or 5 people).

This politically passionate woman sat down at our table and Richard and I proceeded to ask her questions for the rest of the night. (I was so engrossed in the conversation, Jeanne was worried that I’d miss her set.)

So what did the Liberal lady say? Well, a lot. And all of it positive. And why am I excited about it? Because she was so genuine. A “low” level staffer who was inspired and gave us a privileged glimpse behind-the-scenes of someone who is suddenly one of Canada’s most powerful political leaders.

So, again, what did she say?

First of all, some stuff that everyone already knows…

(more…)

Today I handed in the first draft for a fun little script that’s going to be animated by the same gang that did this amazing spoof on what Quebecers call the Night of the Long Knives.

What I like most about this project is who it’s for and who I’m working with.

The client is Imagine Canada, a group that helps charities and nonprofit organizations “fulfill their missions”. IC hired an amazing young Montreal media company called Blue Horizon Media to get the word out about their new Web site initiative called Values Added and BHM got in touch with me to flesh out the concept and write the script.

I had a great time chatting with Blue Horizon Media’s Creative Director Pablo Salzman who talked about his company’s socially conscious ethos. Among many other things, Pablo said, “We run a not-just-for-profit company.” Excellent.

I’m going to post more about Blue Horizon in the future. I’m especially excited to talk about their project to create a sort of MySpace for people who want to make the world a better place, but I’m running out of time. (Jeanne is playing at the Wheel Club with her dad and I’m late.)

If you want to read the first draft of the script, I’ve put it underneath here, “below the fold”.

(more…)

According to the exhaustive timeline that’s available here, it was on this day in 1963 that Lenny Bruce stepped out onto the stage of New York’s Village Theatre (which later became the famous rock and roll incubator, The Fillmore East).

It was a Friday and Bruce was set to kick off four packed-out shows — 11,000 tickets had been sold, and for good reason.

Only one week earlier JFK had been gunned down in Dallas and the country was in a state of shock.

Bruce already had a well-deserved reputation for straying beyond the boundaries of what was considered “decent” and New Yorkers were both giddy and anxious to see what the famously blue comedian would have to say about the assassination.

Bruce’s opening line has been called the greatest current events joke ever told.

But first a bit of backstory.

In 1962 Vaughn Meader, a one-time singer and piano player, got together with some writing and performing buddies to record The First Family, a comedy album that took advantage of Meader’s newfound ability to faithfully mimic the popular U.S. President.

Against all odds Meader’s album, released at the end of October, went platinum before Christmas and one year later had sold an astonishing 7.5 million copies. It even won the Grammy Award for Album of the Year in 1963. In short, it was off-the-charts massive. (More info at Wikipeeds.)

Vaughn Meader gave an interview to the New York Times Magazine where he said:

I was in Detroit the day the album started selling like wildfire. That day “The Ed Sullivan Show” called me, Time Magazine, The New York Times. So I went back to New York, and I was walking past Sam Goody’s and there was a big crowd, all the way out to the middle of Broadway. And when I got closer I heard that they were listening to me — it was mind-boggling. Then it got totally crazy. Just gone. It was just a whirlwind, going here, going there, going here, going there. And playing the game — the star game. It was a blur, you know? I thought I was having the time of my life. Who wouldn’t? Just wine, women and song, you know? But it doesn’t last. And nobody knows when you’re down and out.

And yeah, it didn’t last.

When Lenny Bruce stepped onto the Village Theatre stage, he accomplished the impossible, summing up all the nation’s angst and heartbreak to deliver a JFK joke that was both genuinely funny and touching at the same time. Bruce’s line?

Poor Vaughn Meader.

And Bruce was right. Vaughn Meader never worked as a comedian again.

Happy Anniversary Lenny, Vaughn and JFK. (Thanks to Pete Radomski for telling me about it.)