Comedy for a Cause
Today I handed in the first draft for a fun little script that’s going to be animated by the same gang that did this amazing spoof on what Quebecers call the Night of the Long Knives.
What I like most about this project is who it’s for and who I’m working with.
The client is Imagine Canada, a group that helps charities and nonprofit organizations “fulfill their missions”. IC hired an amazing young Montreal media company called Blue Horizon Media to get the word out about their new Web site initiative called Values Added and BHM got in touch with me to flesh out the concept and write the script.
I had a great time chatting with Blue Horizon Media’s Creative Director Pablo Salzman who talked about his company’s socially conscious ethos. Among many other things, Pablo said, “We run a not-just-for-profit company.” Excellent.
I’m going to post more about Blue Horizon in the future. I’m especially excited to talk about their project to create a sort of MySpace for people who want to make the world a better place, but I’m running out of time. (Jeanne is playing at the Wheel Club with her dad and I’m late.)
If you want to read the first draft of the script, I’ve put it underneath here, “below the fold”.
“Four Evils v. Values Added”
Revised: December 3, 2006
Ext. City Street Corner – Day
A typical-looking urban street corner on a sunny day in spring; there’s a fire-hydrant, a park bench and a garbage can with a prominent recycling logo on its side.
A scrappy young tree is growing here, its new leaves making a home for the BLUE BIRD THAT SINGS in its branches.
POVERTY is sitting on the park bench. He’s a monstrous-looking character who resembles a mangled credit card. Poverty’s holding what looks like a bucket of fast food, but upon closer inspection is revealed to be a top hat filled with cash.
Poverty shoves a handful of bills into his mouth and begins to chew sloppily.
Just then, a giant “stretch” HUMMER lurches up onto the curb, smashing through the fire hydrant and garbage can and flattening the small tree.
The Blue Bird squawks loudly and flies away.
The HUMMER limousine continues to move forwards with jarring SCRAPING SOUNDS until it fills the entire frame. The limo is impossibly, comically long (several blocks long at least – like the limo in Aphex Twin’s “Windowlicker” video).
As the back of the HUMMER finally comes into view, it screeches to a stop. Behind the limo, on the spot where the fire hydrant used to be, a jet of clean blue water geysers into the air.
Poverty looks up.
REVERSE ANGLE ON
the tinted back window of the HUMMER. The window hums smoothly down, emitting a plume of black smoke and revealing a pair of glowing red eyes within.
POLLUTION
(sinister Southern drawl)
Howdy Poverty. Climb on in.
CAMERA RESTORE
Poverty jams his cash-filled hat onto his head and BURPS LOUDLY before climbing into the limo.
The HUMMER’s back tires spin crazily as it peels out of frame, leaving behind a cloud of thick black smoke.
When the smoke clears we see that the once proud tree is now bent and broken. The water from the fire hydrant has turned into a slow-moving ooze of toxic sludge.
The Blue Bird flutters back down and lands on the bench. It begins to SING A SAD SONG.
INT. HUMMER LIMO – CONTINUOUS
Four grotesque characters are piled into the HUMMER limo. POLLUTION, a Jabba-the-Hutt-like mound of rotting garbage, is holding court. He takes a deep drink from a big can of oil.
POLLUTION
Alright, we’re all here.
Poverty, you remember War.
WAR is a mess of scars and amputations. He smiles evilly, revealing a mouthful of teeth made up of long sharp sniper bullets. Poverty nods politely.
POLLUTION (CON’T)
And ‘a course, you know Disease real well…
DISEASE is kept alive with a variety of cruel looking medical machines. He’s wheezing and covered in sores.
POVERTY
(fake-sounding “upper crust” accent)
Certainly. Disease and I have done some of our best work together.
(to Disease)
Forgive me if I don’t shake hands.
Pollution laughs and as he does, black smoke belches out of the top of his head.
POVERTY (CON’T)
So where are we headed Pollution?
POLLUTION
To a place called ‘Canada’.
WAR
(not too bright, deep bass, scratches head)
Can a duh…?
DISEASE
(weakly, coughing)
Oh, I hate that place… I think I’m gonna be sick.
DEATH (O.C.)
(sassy, urban)
Don’t you be pukin’ now!
The driver, who, mysteriously, is in a ‘normal’ limo driver position, turns around. It’s DEATH, the hooded skeletal & scythe version.
DEATH
(looking over shoulder)
I will kill you if you chunder in my limo!
POLLUTION
Just keep driving.
DEATH
Yeah, we’re all dyin’ to get there. I’m going as fast as I can.
INSERT – SPEDOMETER
The speedometer has the following readings: Fast, Stupid Fast, Speed Kills and “11”. The needle is pointing past 11.
BACK TO SCENE
War absently opens the door. Even though the ENGINE IS RACING, the HUMMER isn’t moving. War picks a daisy that’s growing on the side of the road. It immediately withers and dies.
POLLUTION
(reacting to the fact that the HUMMER’s not moving)
Wuh Tuh Fff?!
CUT TO:
EXT. BACK OF HUMMER LIMO – CONTINUOUS
The four HUMMER occupants poke their heads out of both back doors and look towards the rear of the vehicle.
VALUES ADDED WOMAN is at the back of the HUMMER, lifting the back tires far off the ground. “VAM” is a fit, mixed-race superhero with long flowing cape and hair.
VALUES ADDED WOMAN
Sorry boys. You’re not going anywhere!
Pollution is about to yell something when a bird shits on his head. The Blue Bird flutters back into frame and lands confidently on VAM’s shoulder.
POLLUTION
Get her!
The four villains begin to pour out of the HUMMER.
FREEZE FRAME
NARRATOR
(cheesy 1950s type)
Who is the mysterious Values Added Woman? Will she be able to defend against the works of Poverty, Pollution, Disease and War? And what does this Blue Bird have to do with it?
CLOSE-UP ON
the Blue Bird, unfrozen, looking uncomfortable with the sudden attention. He WHISTLES NERVOUSLY.
BACK TO SCENE
NARRATOR (CON’T)
To learn the rest of the story, visit ValuesAdded.ca and keep watching this space to catch another glimpse of [booming] Values Added Woman!
